It's been a pretty rough few days. and I assume with my stupid self, it's going to be a stupid week. Maybe it's my fault for bottling things up for half a year. I had talked about it, and cried a bit for him. But until Saturday, I had never cried for myself.
You know I am strong. I am pretty good at holding myself together. When I'm by myself I can be a different person, but out and about, I hate letting people see weakness in me. That's why I was so mad when I screamed his name across campus. Of course he stopped, and when he noticed I wasn't okay, he ran towards me. Well hello tears. He had things to do and people to see, but he stood there, holding me tight. He let me cry and cry without speaking a word. I couldn't have said anything, even if he asked. But he didn't ask. Not until I was ready to answer. I felt like an idiot. My red face even darker than usual. The other boys were waiting for him...I was making them all late for practice. I couldn't let Coach Hand get mad at them. So I tried really hard to pull myself together. Arnaldo knew it was about my father. He looked at me, started to ask. I just nodded, and uh oh. More tears. There was no where for them to go but out. I am just so happy I have such amazing friends. They took me to the baseball field and didn't let me go until they had to. They promised that he would be okay, and that I was never ever alone because they were my family here. They made funny faces and reminded me of time we've had. They blasted crazy music into my ears and danced like, well, them. You know I really thought that was the end of my weakness showing through.
I am really good at distracting myself. I tend to use distractions as a way to solve every problem. That's when I mess up and let people down. Stupid me. But the MAIT was the perfect thing. Who can think about cancer when they are wear a volunteer shirt with purple and gold beads, matching converse shoes and face paint all over. Not me anyway. All night I concentrated on screaming my heart out for the boys, making sure no one went home sad. I put the balls on the court before every game and at halftime. I organized half time events and watched three of my friends win $50 for getting a basket from half court. After, I surrounded myself with the happiest people ever. Their attitudes rub off on everyone I think.
Saturday ended and Sunday morning came. Sunday is the lord's day. I have so much to thank him for, I can't believe I was even sad. But I was. And it came even harder than before. I wasn't going to let my friends see me like this. I had found the solution and I was sticking to it. I needed to rollerblade. And when I rollerblade I could cry and cry and nobody would see. I could be in my own world and let everything out. Entonces esos puertorriqueños locos cinieron cambiar mis planes. They were thinking otherwise. "Chasing sobbing Leanne to the track seems like a good idea. Lets forget the fact she ignored our phone calls and our texts and walked away from us at lunch." Urghhh. See they're not supposed to see that side of me. I am tough. I can handle this. They made me stop. I mean, unless I ran them over, which could lead to injuries and eternal guilt on my part. And so they hugged me and let me cry out all of the liquid in me. You know I don't think I've ever in my life cried that much.
But amazing things happened out at that field. Those amazing people showed me why I trust them. They reminded me that everything will be okay. If it's not okay, they will always be there to make it okay. Not only them, but their families too. It's gotta be the first time I have prayed in Spanish. I didn't understand it all, but it was beautiful. Three prayers from people I have never even met. They told me that they cared. They assured me that I have the best people I could ever have right here with me all the time. We prayed and prayed. God's got this for me. I just needed someone to remind me of this obvious fact. So I became closer with my best friends. I now officially owe them my life.
I still am quite a mess. But maybe better? Maybe just more distracted. Whatever it may be, I think I got better this weekend. I think letting some things out and talking to people is good. Very much needed on my part.