Everybody's changing, and I don't feel the same.

I find it hard to trust people. Too many times have I been disappointed when I put trust into a certain person. I have decided that it's best too simply keep it to myself if I wouldn't like others to know. I do though, have a very small group of people whom I can trust with anything. It includes my brother, two guys, and two girls. No matter what I tell them, I trust that they will keep it to themselves, and will never judge me. These people are truly my guardian angels, God sent them to me to help get me through times I think are impossible. My brother helps me make big decisions and will always love me. I was given a very honest, blunt girl who tells me straight up what she is thinking. I have an innocent friend who believes I can't make mistakes, even when I do. I have an apathetic boy who shoves me back to reality and tells me not to make things bigger than they are. Then there's the boy who has been with my through it all. Who knew best friends in grade five would go through heartaches, fights, distance, and deaths and would still be best friends six years later. He is always there ( or 2000 miles away) to keep me sane. 

I've got these people always, and then some. But like all people, they change. I change too. I'm not saying trust has gone anywhere, but it's different. I worry just a little bit more that they might judge, and I doubt that unconditional love we have for each other. Being away for months at a time pulls people apart, whether you want to admit it or not. We meet other friends and become stronger people. Given only one week between months apart is hard to catch up. It's barely enough time to do anything. You can spend the week like you would have before you ever left, or you can try to start new things and see how they end up. I try a bit of both.

I hold on tight to things for as long as possible. I used to believe that holding on until I had nothing left was best. Now I wonder if it is. Letting go of what was when I was thirteen is hard. It was so easy back then. Things have changed, and I try to accept it. I'm letting myself ignore the past and get stuck in the present, not worrying about the future at all. This could be a huge mistake, but I will have to wait and see. My trust lies in another person this week, and it's a big test for me. I have gone outside of my comfort zone and lived in the moment. I'm making decisions and trying to prepare for consequences. That's what life is about, right? Taking chances. People say i should do more of it, and here you go, I am trying this week. 

I'm taking it one day at home. Who knows what will happen, but I vowed not to let it bother me. I focus on my life, and do no think about it too much. I need to make decisions and leave nothing unanswered. I discuss every choice with someone, a second opinion is always needed. That's why I have my best friends. Life sure is easier with them around. I'm going all out, and if I fall, they're there to catch me. 

Overload

It was in Apopka, the day before classes started at MVA. We had just picked up some new uniform items to replace beaten up old ones. When pulling out my camera and snapping photos of this ridiculous way to haul one's life around, I was unaware how closely I could relate to the situation months later. On Friday, my life felt like this photo. How exactly, you may ask? I was overloaded, in almost every way possible. There were tests, homework and other commitments I was obligated to. It was the last day of the week, and my lack of sleep was getting to me. It was known that there was less than two weeks until I would get a week long break with my parents (whom I love and miss more than I could imagine) and my lifelong friends, relaxing and laying in my perfect bed in the room that I spent hours painting and making my own before I left it alone.

And I guess it was my fault, for letting everything get to me just that day. It worked out okay though. Because I live at this school with amazing people, including the gorgeous young lady who also serves as my teacher and a group of crazy boys who I refer to as my brothers. A short talk and assurance I would be great, I finished everything I needed to do for the day. And to help me forget everything else, I went out and spent hours learning dances to Thriller, Grease Lightning, the Rocky theme song and Kung Fu Fighting. We may have been the oldest people on the dance floor in front of the DJ at Downtown Disney, but somehow that didn't matter. Ignoring the world and just dancing felt like the perfect thing to do...so I followed along and attempted to punch the air, imitate Michael Jackson and John Travolta, and move my body in ways it's not used to. I'll tell you now, I wasn't thinking about anything but dancing. Out there among careless kids, anything less satisfying in my life was forgotten and I could just dance. 

And today you'd think that it would all be back. But the test are written and I can't change that. I slept for eleven hours last night and feel totally rejuvenated. I am going home in twelve days, and I am going to survive until then. God's taking care of me. I know he's not going anywhere, so I can do anything knowing that. 

Miss Independent

More recently than ever, I have been feeling a strong, proud rush of independence. I mean, living at a boarding school over two thousand miles of home away from my family and friends should have made me feel independent since day one, but lately I have felt that I don't need anyone. It's still to soon for me to be aware whether this is a good thing or not so great thing. Being here for two years, I have learned to become my own person but still felt that I needed the security and assurance of my best friends at home and my big brother watching over me. Now, I feel like I need no one and anyone who is there is becoming an annoyance. 

When I am hungry, I eat. When I am tired, I sleep. And when I need to be a lone, I find a place of solitude...not. Just recently I received a twenty-four hour shadow-- trust me, its even around when the sun isn't. And this has driven me off the wall. I have never had this, and especially now, it's not great timing. I like to leave the dorm when I am ready and walk to class when I feel it's time. Now I am expected to wait. I am expected to hold off, ask for assurance of my every move. No no, I can't do this. Just when I am starting to feel like I need no one, and when I have gathered up enough self confidence to rely on myself and no one else, this comes along. And I feel like it's my job to be as nice as I can and try hard to accept my shadow, but jeeeez God, this is a hard test. 

My independence is important! Am I not supposed to be able to experience my newly discovered attitude? I think that's unfair. A few weeks ago I waited with my phone for a good night call from my best friend. There was a fifty percent chance of the phone ringing, but I felt as if I had to hold onto it with my life and that any received call would satisfy me for the night. The phone rang, thankfully, and I was able to speak to someone who assured me I was okay and that I didn't need them to tell me that. This week, there is still a fifty percent chance I will receive a call every night before I fall asleep, but I am no longer anxious to receive it. If I talk on the phone, its good, but if I don't, I feel okay because I know that I am without anyone reinstating it. It's because I am my own person, finally learning to lean on me and not others. Somehow I have to teach my shadow how to do the same thing and pray it learns faster than I did. =) gooood night.

And so just as I had thought I had mastered technology up to date, I am introduced to the blog. What am I supposed to write on this thing? Apparently I can write whatever I want..and no one can tell me whether its right or wrong. I could discuss my daily happenings or my deepest inner most thoughts about my confusion with friendship and love and life, and its okay. I promise I would not disclose that on here. No no, with this audience of very much unknowns, I am not about to display my deepest thoughts and post them on the internet. The idea of a blog is new to me, so I will experiment. Enjoy =)