Bigger Than Me.

Tonight is a really busy night. I have been sitting at my desk for four hours already, without moving (except for a quick shower). I have been working so hard to finish all of my homework assigned. It seems like purposeful torture. It's such horrible mental pain. I complain about how hard I work, and how I wonder what I get from it. It hurts my brain, and sometimes I even have a headache to prove it. But I really don't know anything about pain, I can't even compare to someone I know and love. 

He has gone through so much ermm, crap? It's not fair. So God does everything for a reason, and I try to accept that. But sometimes I wonder why he has to put the people I love through so much pain. What did my dad ever do to have a mass of evil cells grow in his brain? He is the most giving person I know. He puts everyone above himself, and lives to serve God and others. Then this? I mean okay, torture me, I can accept that. But why him? He doesn't deserve any of the pain. He takes it so well though. I have never heard him complain. I complain for him, because I can't fathom a reason why. But never have I heard a negative word come out of his mouth. I admire that greatly. God is sending me some kind of message, and I am too freaking caught up in my own life and studies to take a hint. I'm one tiny person on this Earth. So is my dad. If he can have some of the suckiest news ever be thrown at him and still have a smile on his face, I should be able to write a gazillion synthesis essays and ask the governor of Florida millions of questions while standing on my head shouting out algebra questions...and be happy doing it. 

I wish I could understand more. Life would be so much easier if I knew reasons for everything that happens. I could calm down and not wonder if he deserves that or if I had this coming. Unfortunately that isn't how life is. I am left to ponder events and sit here wasting hours of my precious life trying to understand things that have already happened. Is that what I am supposed to do? I don't know, but because it's all I know, I will sit here anyway and try.