Holiday Adventure

I finally have found time to sit down and write about my past few days. They have been a whirlwind, an interesting start to my holidays. I'll copy what I wrote from the airport saturday night: 

It's saturday night-- the first one after a grueling semester of hard classes. What are you doing tonight? It you're two of my best friends, you're on a man date together watching a movie. If you're another, you've replaced me with your boyfriend. It you're me, you're sitting on a red carpet at the Chicago airport. Christmas break is here, and already Santa is being mean. I guess he didn't realize that I wasn't lying when I said all I wanted for Christmas was to spend a week at home with my friends. He can't even give me that. Today has been a very hectic day. It started early this morning when I decided I should pack for my two week vacation. It then led me to the airport, where things ran smoothly. I was planning to arrive at home around seven, just in time to hang out with my friends and have an awesome saturday night. Life was fabulous until the windy city welcomed me. Apparently Chicago loves me so much, I am not allowed to leave for another 24 hours. Standby from four until eleven is not enough torture, because the plane has to leave without me on board. I could have been on it though, don't get me wrong. My brother is in the air on his way home. He got the one and only standby seat available. It was supposed to be mine, but I couldn't deny his pouty face. Gosh, he owes me bigtime. Anyways, I need to try and sleep. Hope I get home tomorrow. 

A lot changed since I wrote that. My brother ended up being kicked off the flight too, because of weight. We woke up early and got on the first flight to Winnipeg in the morning. But that was with frustrations too. We made it home, but half of our bags didn't. I have my clothes for Mexico, but my bag with shoes, pants and jackets is lost somewhere between Chicago and here.

Nope, it doesn't end there. At the airport it was -28 C (-39 with windchill) and apparently the vehicle left for us didn't want to start. Arriving a day late wasn't enough, so we got to sit at the airport for hours. I got to come home 5 hours after landing with my uncle, and my parents spent almost 9 hours trying to get this truck started-- which they did. Once at home, I wanted to cry. I felt so out of everything. But of course, I couldn't. I had to get the vehicle and drive around to say hi to the friends I promised I would visit. I got to slide around on slippery snowy roads with the most amazing people in the world. 

So my holidays are entertaining..I am making due with the little clothes I have. I am spending each and every moment with purpose so I can't regret. And I am trying to be thankful for what God has given me. 

Not enough words..

If I properly knew how to use curse words, tonight would be a night I would consider using them. Unfortunately I haven't learned the proper way to fit them grammatically into my sentences, so I will refrain from typing them. Sometimes though, I can't find a word strong enough to express an emotion of mine, no matter what the emotion may be. It could be love, disgust, annoyance, hate, they all seem to be weak words at times and I am unable to create an accurate picture of what attitude I want to portray. Now punching the wall or screaming really loud could help, but it's not easy to describe that through a computer either. 

I get frustrated when I can't portray what I want others to see. Like who I am or what I think...somehow people just don't get it. Though most of the time I want to believe it's their fault, I must consider that it could be a bit of mine. Expressing myself has always been hard. If I speak whatever is running through my brains at the moment of action, I would be a very bad person, making a lot of mistakes. Controlling my words and actions is one advantage I have...but it's no good if I can never give off what I want to. 

Like tonight. There's this feeling of hate towards pages and pages of notes I need to know for tomorrow. I hate studying for six hours. Hate doesn't come close to what I feel towards these words  written on pages and pages of dead trees. So I loathe them...but yet that can't depict what I feel. Urgh. I don't know if even a word I could create would be what I want to say. On the other end of the spectrum, I miss my best friend so much, and I love her unbelievably, words don't come close. I could say that she's the only thing that makes me read these notes that I hate, because I know if I do, I will do good on my exam, and she will be proud. (And I get to see her on Saturday) But that's not really what I feel. I love her so much, that love doesn't come close. It's this feeling that makes me care about her more than myself, and this drive to do everything in my power to make this week go faster so I can see her. Is it weird because she's a girl? I hope not, she's just my very best friend. It's bigger than love and stronger than my passion for anything else, stupid words won't let me express it correctly. So I'm sorry Megan, that I can't get out what I want. And notes, you are gosh darn lucky there isn't a word that lets me portray my attitude towards you right now.  

Bigger Than Me.

Tonight is a really busy night. I have been sitting at my desk for four hours already, without moving (except for a quick shower). I have been working so hard to finish all of my homework assigned. It seems like purposeful torture. It's such horrible mental pain. I complain about how hard I work, and how I wonder what I get from it. It hurts my brain, and sometimes I even have a headache to prove it. But I really don't know anything about pain, I can't even compare to someone I know and love. 

He has gone through so much ermm, crap? It's not fair. So God does everything for a reason, and I try to accept that. But sometimes I wonder why he has to put the people I love through so much pain. What did my dad ever do to have a mass of evil cells grow in his brain? He is the most giving person I know. He puts everyone above himself, and lives to serve God and others. Then this? I mean okay, torture me, I can accept that. But why him? He doesn't deserve any of the pain. He takes it so well though. I have never heard him complain. I complain for him, because I can't fathom a reason why. But never have I heard a negative word come out of his mouth. I admire that greatly. God is sending me some kind of message, and I am too freaking caught up in my own life and studies to take a hint. I'm one tiny person on this Earth. So is my dad. If he can have some of the suckiest news ever be thrown at him and still have a smile on his face, I should be able to write a gazillion synthesis essays and ask the governor of Florida millions of questions while standing on my head shouting out algebra questions...and be happy doing it. 

I wish I could understand more. Life would be so much easier if I knew reasons for everything that happens. I could calm down and not wonder if he deserves that or if I had this coming. Unfortunately that isn't how life is. I am left to ponder events and sit here wasting hours of my precious life trying to understand things that have already happened. Is that what I am supposed to do? I don't know, but because it's all I know, I will sit here anyway and try. 

Why I Write.

As per request of my teach and friend, I am posting this up here. It was an assignment for AP Language. 

When I was younger, I loved writing stories. I liked writing about unicorns and hockey players, penguins and music. I expressed everything I was thinking that day by writing it down. From grade one through grade six, I had a journal at school. We wrote everyday. Most kids didn’t like journals, but I enjoyed that twenty minutes to scribble down my day or my thoughts. I guess I wrote because I had to, but I also wrote because I wanted to.

I believe that writing is important because it allows a person to express what they’re feeling, without telling anyone. Sure, they can show it to someone, but for the moment, its talking it out with oneself. I know I write when I’m confused, I’m a firm believer in Pro/con lists. I write shopping lists and things to remember, I write down birthdays and phone numbers…because simply, my mind can’t contain all of it. My bulletin board is filled with notes reminding me of what to do with my life. Writing is a lot for me, but it can be for others too.

Even with Internet and text messages, I tend to send a lot of emails and snail mail letters. When I want to talk to a friend, I will call them. When I want to express something I don’t know how to say, I write it. Whether I email it or snail mail it depends on how fast I want it there, or how real I want my words to be. When down on paper and put in an envelope, it physically goes to another person. Somehow the method of communication determines a lot. I think I’m slightly outdated though, cause when I take all my time to write a nice letter, I get a text message back from the friend informing me its been received. Funny, eh?

I think writing is important if something is official. Like contracts, promises, and goals. When my parents say something I like and have a feeling they won’t come through with it, I make them write it down, so they can’t take it back. When it’s written, it seems more real. That’s why all laws are written down. Official wills are written, marriage licenses too. Everyone who needs what they say/believe to be remembered and believed want it to be written down.

Back to my writing, cause obviously I don’t write marriage licenses. Now, I write because I am in high school, and my teachers demand it of me. I suppose I could just not write, but my grade would not be too pretty. Even math, you write. Numbers are a part of language. In Canada I would say that I write about three tests a week, but down here I have to say I take tests. I guess the teachers write them, and we do them? Taking them makes sense, but its just new to me. You know its not only in America where writing is important.

The Greeks way back when started writing to keep track of trade and values. Maybe it wasn’t the Greeks, that was back in ninth grade when we studied that. Definitely before the Greeks…but whenever it was, those people started a tradition that the world couldn’t live without today. My life without writing would be horrible, but I couldn’t imagine what the rest of the world would be like. People rely so much on things being written down. The human mind isn’t capable of holding all the information we’re required to. A day at school without writing anything down would kill me. Trying to remember all that I need to do would be useless, and anything I was taught that day, well it would just go in one ear and out the other.

Writing is important, there are so many reasons for why I do it, I can’t totally make a list. Let’s just say that I need writing, without it, my life would be very unstable. Essays and school writing is just a small part of my huge reliance on writing things down, as I’m sure I have elaborated enough above.

He's a wish all over again.

The coolest phone call came yesterday. The most loyal friend I have ever had is going to fulfill his life and enrich the lives of others. He has found his calling, and not a bone in my body has the nerve to be sad. The Canadian  Children's Wish Foundation has a child who's wish is the perfect pony. After coming out to ride my guy, Panther, they feel he is the perfect fit. My pony has spent 10 years with me, and now he has to go be the perfect companion for a young girl who wished for what she wanted most in this world. I feel honored that I got to have a pony that someone wants more than anything. Panther was my best friend, and he now has the opportunity to change the life of another. I wish that I could express my excitement through typed words, but there is no way. Through everything crazy going on in my life, something like this makes me slow down and think...and realize that I should take things slow and live each day as it is. Never know what will happen, and I need to be happy that I'm healthy and be satisfied with what I have. So Panther, I'm going to miss you, but I know this is exactly what God has had planned.