Miss Independent

More recently than ever, I have been feeling a strong, proud rush of independence. I mean, living at a boarding school over two thousand miles of home away from my family and friends should have made me feel independent since day one, but lately I have felt that I don't need anyone. It's still to soon for me to be aware whether this is a good thing or not so great thing. Being here for two years, I have learned to become my own person but still felt that I needed the security and assurance of my best friends at home and my big brother watching over me. Now, I feel like I need no one and anyone who is there is becoming an annoyance. 

When I am hungry, I eat. When I am tired, I sleep. And when I need to be a lone, I find a place of solitude...not. Just recently I received a twenty-four hour shadow-- trust me, its even around when the sun isn't. And this has driven me off the wall. I have never had this, and especially now, it's not great timing. I like to leave the dorm when I am ready and walk to class when I feel it's time. Now I am expected to wait. I am expected to hold off, ask for assurance of my every move. No no, I can't do this. Just when I am starting to feel like I need no one, and when I have gathered up enough self confidence to rely on myself and no one else, this comes along. And I feel like it's my job to be as nice as I can and try hard to accept my shadow, but jeeeez God, this is a hard test. 

My independence is important! Am I not supposed to be able to experience my newly discovered attitude? I think that's unfair. A few weeks ago I waited with my phone for a good night call from my best friend. There was a fifty percent chance of the phone ringing, but I felt as if I had to hold onto it with my life and that any received call would satisfy me for the night. The phone rang, thankfully, and I was able to speak to someone who assured me I was okay and that I didn't need them to tell me that. This week, there is still a fifty percent chance I will receive a call every night before I fall asleep, but I am no longer anxious to receive it. If I talk on the phone, its good, but if I don't, I feel okay because I know that I am without anyone reinstating it. It's because I am my own person, finally learning to lean on me and not others. Somehow I have to teach my shadow how to do the same thing and pray it learns faster than I did. =) gooood night.